Sincerely, Thor
by Ananya-Talvi
Summary: After returning home from Orilla, Sam tries to cope with the loss of the Asgard and particularly Thor. The story is set right after 'Unending'.


I sat in my lab staring at the wall unseeingly. Not for the first time recently I found myself being completely lost in thoughts I didn't even want to think. I had lost count on how many days had passed already since I'd retreated into the closure of my lab voluntarily. If Daniel wasn't there to bring me a meal every now and then, I'd have survived on coffee alone. I didn't want to sleep because I dreaded the dreams, hence I kept living in my lab, trying to figure out the immense amounts of new technology the Asgard had given us to our disposal as their legacy.

The Asgard.

It was still hard to believe that they were gone, that this universe had to go on without them all of a sudden. To me they had always seemed like eternal beings, but of course that was just what they wanted to make us think. Their fate had been inevitable, after all, it was a long time coming. But I couldn't cope with the loss. I couldn't cope with the memory of my last meeting with Thor, back on the Odyssey not so long ago. The Asgard had installed a mighty computer core on Earth's newest spaceship, providing us with everything they had and knew.

The upgrades had been finished just in time when the Ori showed up with three mighty battleships. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to Thor properly. There was so much I'd wanted to tell him, so much he had to know, but I didn't get the chance. I just could hug him, swallowing the lump in my throat. I was too much a coward to tell him, and most likely he wouldn't have understood anyways.

And now he was gone, and with him every chance for me to ever hear his answer.

Now I was sitting here, chewing on whatever meal Daniel had brought me hours ago, and didn't even care for what I was actually eating. It didn't matter, it never mattered.

I remembered my first time at the Asgard home world, the beautiful planet Othala, when Thor had asked me to help them fight the Replicators. How could I ever forget the most embarrassing moment when I first tried to consume Asgard sustenance?

He liked the yellow ones, but now neither him nor me would ever be able to give them another try.

My superiors had followed pure logic when they'd decided I should be the one to take research on everything the Asgard have left to our hands. I'd worked with the Asgard then and again, and Thor had given me very profound instructions how to handle the computer core and everything that was attached to it. We'd already managed to optimize our spaceships' hyperdrives and weaponry, but I was much more interested in the actual knowledge that was stored in those storage crystals.

I'd already spent countless days in figuring out the huge amount of data just to realize that I was much too dumb to understand even half of it. Humanity would still need centuries, if not millennia, to put the Asgard knowledge to good use.

Of course I could have activated a holographic image of any Asgard stored in the databases to have him explain me what I didn't understand, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Seeing a hologram of one of those astounding aliens would be too hurtful. Seeing a hologram of Thor himself would just break my heart even more than it already was. I couldn't do it, and I knew I was denying myself a chance to get my work done much quicker. Though, when it came down to it, I wasn't interested in delivering quick results, because the more time I spent with those advanced devices the longer I could be in touch with the Asgard, in touch with the computer core that Thor had built for us to use.

Therefore, I kept myself buried in my lab and didn't talk to anyone, just worked silently without caring about the constant sleep deprivation. I didn't care about my co-workers watching me ruin myself, and I didn't care for the tears that were sticking too my cheeks all too often.

I'd heard them whispering and chattering on the corridors of Stargate Command, worried because of my sudden change to the exact opposite of the person I'd used to be. I couldn't be that person anymore. I even didn't want to. Whom should I be smart and witty for?

Thor was gone and I missed him with an intensity that tore my heart to pieces.

Right now, though, I just sat on my swivel chair, glaring at the computer without even thinking. At the moment, at least, I didn't cry. Instead I stood up slowly to pour me another cup of coffee. It must have been the tenth cup that day, but I didn't even know what day we had and how long I'd already spent my life like this.

Time went by, but I felt like being caught in a time bubble where nothing ever happened and everything stayed the same. Each new day felt like the last. The pain didn't decrease, it was more the other way around. The longer it lasted the worse I felt, but I didn't care any longer. There had been moments I'd contemplated following the Asgard to wherever they had gone, but I couldn't bring myself to really act on the thought. As long as I was still there, keeping an eye on all the amazing Asgard technology, nobody else would take it away and abuse it for whatever atrocities humans were able to do.

The Asgard High Council had been very doubtful about leaving their technology and knowledge to human hands. Understandable, in my opinion. Humans often weren't to trust, but Thor had always had a very high opinion of us. He'd been such a good soul, a shining light in a universe of darkness. But now that the Asgard were gone, there was only darkness left.

I had absolutely no idea how this universe would work without them. Of course, the Goa'uld weren't that much a threat anymore after I and the other members of SG1 had hunted them down quite successfully, but there were still plenty of other enemies. The Ori, the Wraith, the Lucian Alliance, just to name a few examples. Without the Asgard keeping forces in balance, only chaos could ensue.

With a few drips of coffee that had landed on my desk, I began to draw thoughtlessly, but wasn't surprised when I saw the result. From the white surface, a light brown version of an Asgard face was looking back at me, a face that looked even sadder than mine.

Thor.

I just couldn't get him out of my mind. The last moments I'd spent with him were playing on repeat in my mind. He'd told me how much my friendship meant to him and I'd reassured him the feeling was mutual. Why didn't I tell him about the true range of emotions I felt because of him? Maybe he'd have been more at peace with the inevitable fate of his people if he'd known.

Hearing a noise from the door, I lifted my head while I wiped the coffee painting from my desk with my sleeve. Whoever came here to disturb my private bubble of misery wasn't entitled to see my thoughtless lingering on thoughts about a man who'd never known how much he'd really meant to me.

'Sam?' Daniel asked softly when he entered the room carefully.

'Daniel.' I just replied without even looking at him.

'How are you?' He wanted to know. He kept asking the question every now and then, hoping to hear any progress, but as always, I had to disappoint him.

'I'm alive.' I just said, my voice hoarse, and took another sip of my coffee.

'Wanna talk?' He also kept trying that again and again. He wanted to help me so badly, and I was sure he hated the fact I didn't let him. I just shook my head.

We sat there in silence for quite a while, him staring at me intently, me not looking at anything at all.

'Want some coffee?' I finally asked, remembering the last bits of politeness.

Now it was on him to shake his head. 'Sam, you can't go on like this forever.'

'I know.' I just confirmed. 'But I'll go on like this as long as it takes.'

'Listen.' He said, a tad impatient. 'We're all mourning the Asgard and it's almost impossible to get back to normal, but none of us is suffering as much as you do. I really keep asking myself why.'

I looked at Daniel for a moment, then shrugged and looked away again. I couldn't, didn't want to tell him, because there was no point in letting anyone in on my broken heart. They wouldn't understand.

'You loved him, didn't you?' Daniel asked softly. 'Thor?'

I just bit my lip, fighting against the tears, but I didn't answer. If he already knew, there was nothing to talk about. It wouldn't make any difference anyways. Everyone knew there was no point in loving an Asgard.

'I wish I could help you to cope.' Daniel let me know, his voice only whisper. 'You know, I felt just as devastated back then when Shau're died. I thought I couldn't go on another day. I was convinced that a universe without her was not the place I wanted to live in…'

'How did you get over it eventually?' I asked quietly, remembering the loss of Daniel's wife all too clearly. It had been a hard time for him.

'I didn't.' Daniel admitted. 'I think when we're losing someone we loved with all our heart, there's no way of ever really getting over the loss… but with time we learn to live with it, because the world just moves on, no matter how we feel.'

He stood up carefully and put his hand on my shoulder, caressing it with encouragement. 'Take your time to mourn him, Sam.' He said firmly. 'But don't forget that Thor wouldn't want you to lose yourself in grief. He always had a high opinion of your intelligence and skills and he'd disapprove of you not using them to decipher their technology.'

I tried to smile but failed. 'Thank you, Daniel.'

He gave me one last encouraging nod, then left the lab, perfectly knowing that I needed time to digest what he'd told me. At least I could be certain that Daniel wouldn't gossip about it. He was a far too decent and understanding man to ever betray one of his friends.

With a sigh I got up and went over to a pile of boxes that the Asgard had left for me. I hadn't gone through the contents by now, but now seemed a good moment for it. I was overly tired of staring at computer screens all day.

I picked the first box on top of the pile of which I wondered why it hadn't lost balance and crashed down to the floor long ago. I scolded myself silently for being so careless with something as important as that. It was part of the Asgard legacy, after all, hence there was nothing more important.

When I opened the box, I found a smaller one inside. A black cube at the size of my palm. Though, it wasn't the box itself that surprised me, it was the gravure. In tiny Asgard runes there was my name engraved on the lid of the little box. All I could do was to wonder what this was all about.

I carried the small box to my desk carefully and put it on the exact spot where I had wiped away Thor's coffee portrait not long ago. All I could do now was staring at the tiny letters, but I was too much a coward to lift the lid, because whatever they'd left for me in person, I was afraid it would break my heart once more.

It took me two further cups of coffee and a lot of mumbling to myself until I finally plucked up the necessary courage to open the box.

Inside there lay a single Asgard stone that didn't look anything else than all the other stones I'd seen so far. A few runes were engraved on its side, but I didn't understand their meaning. Whatever they'd wanted to give me, the stone kept it a secret, waiting for me to be courageous once more and to carefully touch it.

I was whisked away in a gleaming white light.

Gotten used long ago to the sudden change of surroundings caused by the Asgard beaming technology, I wasn't surprised at all. At least not about the beaming as such, but all the more by the room I was brought to.

The room was completely empty but of obvious Asgard design. The elegant structures of the walls looked so familiar, so painfully familiar.

Carefully I stepped towards the window to take a look outside. I was only mildly surprised at the sight of planet Earth. The characteristic humming of the propulsion system had already given away the fact I was on a spaceship. I just didn't understand how this could be possible, because according to my information, the Asgard had destroyed everything they had before they had… destroyed themselves.

Suddenly a rush of painful memories washed over me so heavily that I slumped to the floor, breathing heavily.


End file.
